The Heathen – 4.13.22

This week I took a deep dive into the Mastery of Love by don Miguel Ruiz. I’ve been navigating some really hard experiences within my mind and relationships, and as I head toward my second visit to Teotihuacan in a few days, I find don Miguel’s teachings to be incredibly grounding.

I want to share some of don Miguel’s wisdom (as filtered through my brain) with you. Some of this is directly from the book.

Track of love > track of fear

The key to mastering love is in your ability to stay on the track of love and off the track of fear.

There are two halves in every relationship (whether with your partner, friend, child, dog or anything else) and you are only responsible for your half.

Love has no expectation or obligation. Fear is full of expectation and obligation.

Love is based on respect. Fear doesn’t respect anything, including itself.

[If I don’t respect you or think you are capable of being responsible for your half of the relationship, then I try to control you.]

[If I don’t respect myself or believe that I am capable of my half of the relationship, then I feel sorry for myself.]

Love doesn't hurt. Fear hurts. 

Love never ever ever ever hurts, despite common phrases like…well… “love hurts.”

Fear hurts like a mother fucker. Remember, in fear we have expectations.

[I expect something, and if it doesn’t happen I feel hurt. I blame you for not meeting my expectation.]

When we love, we don’t have expectations. We love because it exhilarates our bones. We WANT to love.

[If I don’t expect something to happen, and nothing happens, then I don’t feel hurt.]

Compassion > feeling sorry

Compassion comes from respecting love. Feeling sorry comes from a lack of respect. Fear creates the lack of respect.

When you are riding the track of love, everything is going well for you. You don’t feel sorry for your partner.

Love is always kind, and that kindness makes you generous and opens all the doors

Love is unconditional. Fear is full of conditions.

Expectations and obligations create conditional love, which is actually fear.

[I love you just the way you are.]


[I love you if you dress the way I prefer. I love you if you tell me you’re sorry.]

Conditions create false justice.

In love there is true justice. If you make a mistake, you feel the power of the mistake once, and you learn from it.

In fear there is no true justice. You make yourself, your partner, or your friends pay 100 times for the same mistake until the conditions you create are met.

the heathen - - mastery of love

(doodle from my heart to yours)

In love, we play together. In fear, we play against each other. 

We each have a parasite within us. This parasite feeds off fear. The parasites on both sides of a relationship become allies in an attempt to generate ultimate fear to feed on.

Again, parasites feed off expectations, obligations, conditions, and the war of control.

[I have to control you because I don’t respect you.]

[I have to be responsible for you because if something happens to you it will also hurt me, and I want to avoid pain.]

[If I see you being careless or not responsible, I’m going to take stabs at you, belittle you, and remind you to be responsible OR ELSE]

In love, we become team players. We play and have fun together, but never against each other. We generate and radiate love. We never try to control each other’s games.

[No, you are doing it wrong. Don’t play like that. Play like this, it’s better.]

Relationships are not about winning or losing. Relationships are about having fun and radiating love, creativity, and playfulness. When love is in the air, rather than fear, the parasites have no garbage to feed on.

I am not better than you

If we love ourselves adequately, we don’t allow others to take advantage of us, and we don’t take advantage of others. We respect each other without needing to control each other. We love beauty, laughing, and having fun. We love to love.

We must practice.

Creative maniac quote for you

“Selfishness, control, and fear will break almost any relationship. Generosity, freedom, and love will create the most beautiful relationship and ongoing romance. No-one else can make you feel happy. Happiness is the result of love flowing out of you. Love in action produces happiness. Fear in action produces suffering.” – don Miguel Ruiz


Thanks for reading “The Heathen.”

Until next time,


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